joke time

[Andyman]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia
grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a
Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and
asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why,
yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know
you.'
The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones,
do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why
yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,
bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not
to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was
your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney
nearly died.
The judge asked both
counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either
of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric
chair.'

[akcrawler]

Some of those were pretty good. I enjoyed reading them.

[Andyman]

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it, so as a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash

He later went on to become a politician.

[Andyman]

It was during a heat wave in August one summer when I saw this sign on a telephone pole. “Garage sale this Sunday 7AM until 100 degrees.”

[Andyman]

"My wife said we don't spend enough time together...so I bought her a pit pass"

[Andyman]

Do you know what day it is?

"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:

"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Read more on page: Jokes of the day for Thursday, 09 June 2016 | Jokes of the day

[Andyman]

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[JoeMeg]

The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[Andyman]

2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy
coming out of the ice cream store & says ;
'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

[Andyman]

Q: What do Canadians get on their tests?

A: Eh's