joke time

[tbone9]

Lol

[Andyman]

One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"

[snackmaster]

Guy gets on the elevator, doors close, he looks over to a woman standing next to him and asks, "can I smell your feet"? women responds with disgust, "NO"......guys says, "must be your p*&&y then"

[Andyman]

Bob walked into a bar around 5:58 PM.
He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and
stared up at the TV.

The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was
covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think
he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I reckon he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching
the scene on the TV. The guy on the ledge did a swan
dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to
Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw
this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would
jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think
he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.......

[JoeMeg]

[Andyman]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'

[hipowerone]

A man answers the phone and after listening for a bit says, "I do not know,but you can probably get that information from the radio or TV weather man." And then he hangs up. His wife asked him, "Who was that on the phone?" He replied, "I do not know, but it must have been a sailor." "Why do you say that?" his wife asked. Her husband said, "He wanted to know if the coast was clear!"

[Andyman]

haha

[Andyman]

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out, he handed me the dog and said
"Here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off, he vill be fine"

I said "Are you a vet?"

He replied "vet?....I'm f#^K*^g soaking."

[Andyman]

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.