joke time

[Andyman]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'

[hipowerone]

A man answers the phone and after listening for a bit says, "I do not know,but you can probably get that information from the radio or TV weather man." And then he hangs up. His wife asked him, "Who was that on the phone?" He replied, "I do not know, but it must have been a sailor." "Why do you say that?" his wife asked. Her husband said, "He wanted to know if the coast was clear!"

[Andyman]

haha

[Andyman]

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out, he handed me the dog and said
"Here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off, he vill be fine"

I said "Are you a vet?"

He replied "vet?....I'm f#^K*^g soaking."

[Andyman]

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

[Andyman]

Woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the Obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.


The editor informs her that there is a charge of $1 per word.


She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read: "Jerry O’Malley Died.”


Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all Obituaries.


She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read:


Jerry O'Malley Died ... golf clubs For Sale

[Andyman]

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent. The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing." 

[JoeMeg]

[tbone9]

Happy Father’s Day if you have an amphib. If not, we’ll then Happy Mother’s Day lol.

[Andyman]