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  • Shop tools explained

    An explanation of some of the tools we use to keep these great ATV's up and running. There pretty funny and some are so true.

    Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar
    stock out of your hands, striking you in the chest and flinging your beer
    across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part on the
    workbench.

    Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and throws them under the workbench at
    the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and guitar calluses in the time
    it takes to say "ouch!"

    Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until
    you die of old age.

    Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. May also be used to create blood
    blisters.

    Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle.
    It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the
    more you attempt to influence its direction the more dismal your failure
    becomes.

    Vice Grips: Generally used after pliers to further round off a bolt. If
    nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
    heat to the palm of your hand.

    Oxy-acetylene Torch: Used almost exclusively for lighting various flammable
    objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for setting fire to the grease
    around that wheel bearing you were trying to remove by heating the hub.

    Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and
    motorcycles. Now mostly are hammered over bolts previously rounded by vice
    grips.

    Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
    installing new brake shoes, trapping the handle firmly under the bumper.
    May also be used to lower vehicle onto the plastic pail you drained the
    engine oil into, immediately prior to moving the vehicle and spilling oil all
    over your concrete driveway.

    Two by Four: An eight-foot long bar made of wood used for levering the
    vehicle upward off the hydraulic floor jack handle.

    Tweezers: A too l for removing 2X4 splinters or wire wheel wires from your
    fingers.

    E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool 10 times harder than any known
    drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes. Works well in inexpensive or easy to
    replace parts but using this tool in expensive parts will cause almost certain
    failure.

    Two-Ton Engine Hoist: Used for testing the tensile strength of electrical
    wires, hoses etc that you forgot to disconnect.

    Craftsman 1/2 X 16 inch Screwdriver. A large pry bar that inexplicably has
    an accurately machined flat tip at the opposite end to the handle.

    Aviation Metal Snips: See "Hacksaw."

    Trouble Light: A very appropriately named tool. Its two main purposes are to
    shine an intense light directly into your eyes instead of onto the part you are
    trying to illuminate and also to consume 40 watt light bulbs at the same rate
    as a 105 mm Howitzer consumes shells. Sometimes called a drop light for
    reasons obvious to anybody who has used one.

    Philips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the silver vacuum seals under the
    screw off lids of oil cans but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
    out the heads of Phillips screws.

    Pry Bar: A tool often used to crumple the metal surrounding a clip or bracket
    you needed to remove in order to replace that 50 cent part.

    Hose Cutter: Used to make hoses too short.

    Hammer: Originally used as a weapon of war, but nowadays used as a device
    used to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the part you are trying
    to hit.

    Utility Knife: Used to open boxes and slice through the contents of packages
    delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on items such as seats,
    CD's, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines etc. Especially useful for
    slicing through work clothes, but only when you are in them.

    Dammit Tool: Any tool that gets thrown across the garage as you yell
    "Dammit!" It is also the next tool that you will need.

    Expletive: A soothing balm, or mechanics lube, usually applied verbally and
    in hindsight, which somehow eases the pain and embarrassment of our lack
    of foresight.

  • #2
    Banned

    Comment


    • #3
      PURE comedy. It would be intersting to see how this list would change if you apply it to "tools you have in your toolbox when you're broke-down on the trail". On the ride last weekend, NONE of our tools were used for their intended purpose when we were fixing Tom's machine. We used a hammer as a bushing, Eric's hat as an electrical insulator, a tow strap as a chain-fall, a 10 inch ratchet extension as a punch/prybar, etc., a MaxII/ Maple tree as an anti-gravity generator (GO cheap harbor freight winch!), and attempted to use a RIM as a chainsaw.

      great fun...
      ~m
      sigpic

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      • #4
        whipper that's comedy in its finest form! :-)

        Not being one to spam jokes via email I feel compeled to send your tool analysis out to my entire address book because it's so darn funny and true :-)

        chris

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        • #5
          That's a good one. I printed it out and hung it on the wall in my garage.

          Comment


          • #6
            I love that!

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            • #7
              Brought back so many memories of learning how not to work on my Volkswagens.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by techfx View Post
                Brought back so many memories of learning how not to work on my Volkswagens.
                Another bug guy? I started at 14yrs old restoring beetles!
                Jeff
                02 Argo Bigfoot

                I never get lost : I take expeditions!
                I'm guided by the Magic 8 Ball.

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                • #9
                  Well, not air cooled. the oldest thing i had was a 81 pizza delivery rabbit and 3 scirocco II's

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                  • #10
                    NOW I know what all those tools in Brian's shop are for!
                    Max II Girls...The Best in the World!

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                    • #11
                      ROTFLMAO! robbie
                      1999 max 2 18 b&s 22 tires custom . new max iv 23 k 26 i/n tires brown . ht cable promark winch . new toy 1972 attex st400 400ccjlo and she will be bad . ( the frog ) if it don't float with out you getting wet . don't bring it ! R.I.P sage rogers 4 11 09 . you can't fix stuped !!!!! raceone 3 .)

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                      • #12
                        that is funny and can be so true at times, good one whipper

                        Darin
                        mud and ice

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                        • #13
                          "it's funny 'cause its true" he he he
                          Ya ain't stuck til the winch cable comes out!!!

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                          • #14
                            Yep, he's right

                            Seen all those devices used as described. That was great Whipper.

                            Lewis
                            Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways , cigar in one hand, whiskey in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!!"

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                            • #15
                              Ha Ha Ha

                              Thats all very TRUE!!!!!
                              Still want a KID

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