joke time

[jeffery9076]

great jokes made me laugh cannot wait to tell wife

[Andyman]

Camping trip
>
>
>
> Ned was attending his 6x6 club's monthly meeting and had just told them
> he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
>
> After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
> 6x6 friends Ned left to go back home to his wife.
>
> When Ned's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who
> should be there but Ned sitting up in front of his Max, tent up,
> fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
>
> "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Ned?" "I didn't have to"
> was Ned's reply.
>
> "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
>
> When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see -through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
>
> So here I am!

[Andyman]

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence..... The rest of the year went very smoothly.

[Andyman]

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S
>>
>> Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's
>> Building Supply when they collide.
>>
>> The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
>> my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
>>
>> The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
>> wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
>>
>> The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
>> wife look like?"
>>
>> The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
>> blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
>> halter top, and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
>>
>> The old guy says...... "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[Don]

[jeffery9076]

Nice andyman

[Andyman]

Someone at the auto repair shop locked the owner's keys inside his car. While the locksmith was working on the driver's-side door lock, the anxious owner walked up and tried the passenger's-side door. It opened.

The locksmith looked up. "Yeah, I already got that one."

[Andyman]

A blonde walks into a bank in central New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in central New York City can I park my Rolls for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[Andyman]

Why do the British drink warm beer?

Because Lucas Electronics makes their refrigerators.

[Andyman]

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife : honey ... you say prayer before eating at home
Husband : that's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook.

[Noel Woods]

Why do the British drink warm beer?

Because Lucas Electronics makes their refrigerators.

True indeed. If you've ever owned an old British vehicle you know this first hand. Factory made wiring harnesses like we see in some amphibious vehicles, spliced in multiple places, wires going everywhere, don't get me started in positive ground vehicles.

[jerseybigfoot]

True indeed. If you've ever owned an old British vehicle you know this first hand. Factory made wiring harnesses like we see in some amphibious vehicles, spliced in multiple places, wires going everywhere, don't get me started in positive ground vehicles.

I had an old Mark 2 Jag years ago that required a small brass hammer to start it. The first start in the morning required opening the Bonnet and giving the enrichment carb a small tap..

[Andyman]

A small tap LOL
Not a big tap to where the trunk lid pops open just a small gentle tap.

[Andyman]

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

[Andyman]

ROBOT FOR SALE:

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.