joke time

[ARGOJIM]

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER



Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f*%@$% business."

Whipper

I think Tony is an Alias as he is now 73 living 2 houses down from me and I live in his &#%$ (his words) sisters old house.

[whipper-ag]

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the w ord "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said , 'Beautiful, just f@&#*% beautiful!'

Whipper

[North Country Tough]

Good one Whip

[Andyman]

The Clock

a man died and went to
Heaven.



As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of

clocks behind him.He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"


St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever

been on earth has a Lie-Clock.



Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."



"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"



"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have
never

moved, indicating that she never told a lie."



"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"



St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have

moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."



"Where's Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton's clocks?" asked the man.



St. Peter replied, "We're using them as ceiling fans."

[Andyman]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, Australia where a woman
may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor
or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go
back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor1- These
men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With
Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor6 - You are visitor31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[tbone9]

Lol. Good one!

[Andyman]

BEER,


A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $49.95 jar of rejuvenating face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

[JoeMeg]

[wedge]

[Don]

Funny stuff- I have to show that one to the wife.

[gearhead1937]

Little late to the party, but here it goes anyway

You know why Santa is alway jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.

[whipper-ag]

[wfo]

IT IS WHAT IT IS

[wedge]

[George]

I guess we all really can get along!