joke time

[Andyman]

Nice one Whipper

[whipper-ag]

I can't take credit for this, it was sent to me from a good friend.

Whipper

[Andyman]

I can't take credit for this, it was sent to me from a good friend.

Whipper

Ok thanks for sharing

[Andyman]

Costco Doctor


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computerprints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Costco!

[wedge]

THATS JUST TO FUNNY !

[JoeMeg]

[riotwarrior]

If Storks deliver white babies...

And Crows deliver black babies....

What delivers no babies?????















A Swallow

[dirtdobber]

Now that right there's funny I don't care who you are.

[Andyman]

For better or for worse:


A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?” he concluded.
“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”

[wedge]

[Andyman]

Cowboy's Canine
A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.
The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie."

[hipowerone]

Three very old Scotsman were sitting, drinking at a bar. They were talking about how long they had known one and other and what good friends they all were. One chap says to the to the others, "What we should do is buy the most expensive bottle of Scotch that we can, and the last man living, will pour it over the graves of the other two." They all agreed, bought the bottle of Scotch and went home.

Weeks later, one dies, and the two survivors show up at the graveside with the bottle of Scotch. The two talk and remember their old friend and the promise that they had made to one and other. One asks the other, "You will honor the promise if I die first?" to which the second fellow says, "Absolutely. And you will do the same?" The first fellow says "You know I would, I promised."

About a year later, one more of the chaps dies, and the final survivor shows up at the grave side with his wife. The two talk and remember his old pals. He then opens a box, and removes the bottle of Scotch and proceeds to uncork it and takes a hefty swig. His wife is outraged and says to him, "You promised that you would pour this over your pals graves, not drink it!"

The remaining survivor says casually, "I will do exactly as I promised, just I never promised not to filter it first!"

[Andyman]

[Andyman]

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”

The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep

[Andyman]

A young* boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically ?'
*
The** father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she* would sleep with Movie Star Bradley Cooper for a million dollars.**
*
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Bradley Cooper for a Million dollars, and* then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Bradley Cooper for a million dollars. Then Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'**
*
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Bradley Cooper for a million dollars?'**
*
The* mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'**
*
The boy* then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Bradley Cooper for a million dollars?'**
*
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Bradley Cooper I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'**
*
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Bradley Cooper for a million dollars?'**
*
'Of* course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'
*
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.**
*
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
*
The boy* replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially' , you and I are sitting on Three million* dollars .**
*
But* 'realistically' , we're just living with two hookers and a* queer.