joke time

[hydromike]

Boy Andy, that's the best joke I've heard in a whi...OW! stupid robot.

[Andyman]

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Argo and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that 6X6???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Argo cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a 6X6 like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Argo for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on." So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Argo for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back).
He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Argo and send him the money.
So I did."

[Andyman]

Q: What don't drivers eat before a big race?
A: In case they get indy-gestion.

[Andyman]

Car Terminology ........ The joy of Daughters!

The daughter asks her Dad:
"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He
said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags, and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said:

"You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil
with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his
exhaust pipe."

[Andyman]

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

[JoeMeg]

Almost as good as the robot one!!!!!

[Andyman]

Some funny it's cold sayings::

It’s so cold…

The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.
Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
You have to break the smoke off your chimney
You have to open the fridge to heat the house
Your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass
Police tell a robber to freeze, and he does
Our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.
People look forward to getting a fever
Mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears
I’m shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
We had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post
Refrigerators are redundant
Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins

[Andyman]

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"

[JoeMeg]

[Andyman]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....

[Don]

[tbone9]

Lol

[Andyman]

Why are John Deere Tractors Green?

So they can hide in the grass when the Internationals go by


How do you double the value of a Furd

Fill it up with gas

[Andyman]

The Canadian mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Gord in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Gord?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home...and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Agnes naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Gord" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Gord, I told you there must be a simple explanation...She never got your E-mail."

[Andyman]

How the fight started:

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....