joke time

[philipatmaxfour]

Q: What do Canadians get on their tests?

A: Eh's

That's not funny

[Andyman]

Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson... No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer: When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

[Andyman]

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[Don]

[Stoneyridgeboy]

[Andyman]

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle
box, he pulled out a Bic lighter that was an enormous 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[Stoneyridgeboy]

[Don]

Your sense of humour is unique, Andy.

[Andyman]

They'd kick me out of the comedy club you mean ?

[Andyman]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some hot water around the edges and then gently tap it with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Now we need a new computer."

[Andyman]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The Italian secret:;

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to
all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[wedge]

Kinda makes me Wish my wife was ITALIAN !! lol!!!

[Andyman]

Guy walks into a bar, and he's got a real live man sitting on his shoulder, who's about a foot tall. Has a gorgeous blonde with him, and money sticking out of his pockets everywhere Guy goes up to the bar, orders three drinks. The little man jumps down on the bar, swearing, cussing, yelling, drinks his drink, kicks the ashtray, and jumps back up on the guy's shoulder

Guy orders three more drinks.

Little man jumps down, kicks over the drinks, runs down the bar screaming and yelling, and kicks over a couple of customer's beers and runs back, jumps on the guy's shoulder.

Bartender tells the guy, "You and your girlfriend are welcome, but if your little friend can't behave, he'll have to leave. By the way, where did you get HIM, anyway?"

"Well," says the guy, I found the proverbial magic lamp. Picked it up and sure as hell a genie. Three wishes, so I wished for a gorgeous woman, and there she is, and you can see she's truly a doll. I wished for all the money I could ever want, and I have that. And then, I wished for a twelve inch prick, AND THERE HE IS!!!!"

[Stoneyridgeboy]

[curtisbyrne]

hey...my shirt says that lol